What the hell do I know? Funny you should ask…

So even though summer is basically over here in New York and everyone’s already donning their tweed jackets and cashmere scarves, I’ve been told that out on the west coast, things are still in full swing and there’s plenty more warm weather to be had. On that note, I’ve been tapped to chime in with a few summer fashion tips that should help you close out (or simply continue) Summer 2010 in true sartorial grandeur. As always you are in no way required to listen to me, but you really should. I get tons of chicks.

Tip #1: Get rid of your flip flops– A man’s foot is an ugly abomination and should not be foisted upon the general public except in the most extreme of cases.

More accurate than you might think

Seriously, I don’t want to look at your hairy hobbit’s hooves, and I know you don’t want to look at mine, so let’s just agree to clad them appropriately when out on the town. If you’re going to the beach you get a pass, but otherwise go buy some stylish loafers or boat shoes. You’ve got options.

Loafer by Billy Reid

Boat shoes by Vane for Sebago

Tip #2: Put on a swimsuit that fits – Now I’m not saying that everyone has to rock a speedo, or even the tiny trunks that I’ve been known to sport at Coachella, but the phenomenon of ridiculous printed boardshorts that extend halfway between your knees and your feet is one that goes hand in hand with the flip flops and needs to be done away with as well. It honestly amazes me that guys who are otherwise quite stylish will be getting ready to go to the pool & suddenly have some sort of aneurysm whereby they think putting on a pair of floor-length jams with a big glittery tiger on them is acceptable.

Don't be this asshole

Its time for something shorter, slimmer, and all-around more macho. Check out soccer star & recent World Cup failure Cristiano Ronaldo.

Being a soccer star looks hard

Granted, he is European & sorta looks like he was carved out of marble, but still, its hard to argue with the fact that he looks pretty damn cool. At the very least let’s promise ourselves to find some trunks that hit just above the knee or higher (how high is up to you, sailor). Like these, recently pictured in GQ:

Baby to frolic with not included

Seriously, I’m sick of seeing spiky haired douches dressed like little kids going clam digging. Abandon the ranks of these mongoloids & join me & Cristiano.

Tip #3: Blazer & Shorts – Fear not, my pedigreed chums, the Blazer & Shorts combo is not reserved exclusively for the likes of Angus Young.

He does rock though

In fact, its one of the best & easiest-to-carry-off looks of the summer, provided you do it right. Start off with a shorter, narrower jacket to balance the proportions of your ensemble – using one of your regular suit jackets is just
gonna make it look like you forgot to put on pants when you got dressed in the morning. Also try to make sure its lightweight (unlined is ideal) – after all, that’s sort of the point of the thing. Pairing a wool blazer with a pair of
shorts makes about as much sense as a snow hat & a bikini.

I stand corrected

At any rate, unlined cotton is tops, as it will not only keep you cool & comfortable on the patio circuit, but also help to keep your jacket from wrinkling too terribly when you stuff it in your duffel bag for a quick weekend in Vegas (or when you have to dig an impromptu grave ON that quick weekend in Vegas). Aside from these guidelines, you’ve got a lot of room to get creative – your jacket can be a pattern or a solid, paired with anything from an oxford to a t-shirt. Your options are boundless. Hell, you can even go waterskiing in it.

Actually looks pretty fun

Tip #4: Cool patterns – Whether its your shirt, pants, or even your belt, summer is just a good excuse to rock some crazy ass patterns. Lobsters, sailboats, skull & crossbones, whatever. It all works in my book. I mean, how often do you get to use the phrase “Yeah my pants have whales on them, what of it?”

Football shorts by Vineyard Vines

Skull & crossbones belt by J. Press

Whale pants by some awesome dude on the internet

Just do yourself a favor & keep it to one wacky piece per outfit, unless of course you have brass balls the size of the gentleman pictured above.

Tip #5: The perfect polo – So simple, yet so often bungled. A flattering polo is trim, hits right around the beltline, and has sleeves that show off a little arm – think Vintage PGA vs. Current PGA.

Arnold Palmer: DO

Phil Mickelson: DON'T

Several designers make these, including fairly inexpensive versions by brands like Bonobos, but for my money nothing beats the original Ralph Lauren, who now offers a “custom fit” version that’s tailored in the manner described above. Plus, that tiny mallet-swinging horseman is the mark of a true American. Like cowboy hats, or obesity.

Lighter colors will make you look tanner, for the record.

Pop your collar at your own risk – this bronze prepster is pulling it off, but I had a few ill-advised ventures into the phenomenon a couple years back & I’m still living it down. As a general rule, the taller the collar, the more wary you should be of sending it vertical.

Tip #6: Have a michelada – Tasty, spicy & refreshing as hell on a hot day. You’ve earned it.

-1 beer (Dos Equis works great)
-Solid squeeze of lemon juice
-2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
-Splash of Tabasco
-Salt (esp. the glass rim)

Pour over ice and bottoms up.

Cheers

And that’s that, folks – hopefully I’ve given you a few tools to make what’s left of this summer bump like Manute Bol’s head in a doorway. Let’s keep it memorable.

Keep calm & carry on,

-DA

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One response

  1. I converted to short swim trunks last summer and it’s changed my life. Other than the occasional penis wardrobe malfunction, it’s been smooth sailing for this guy.

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