APOCALYPSE EXPLAINED: Kid Dangerous’ Guide to The Rapture

Surf's up, pal

We here at Kid Dangerous feel the need to clarify a few things about the coming Apocalypse – to put into context the media’s daily bombardment of impending doom – and offer our opinion on the goings-on in the world and what it means for the future of mankind, and more importantly, t-shirts.

First, you shouldn’t compartmentalize the End of Days into a strictly Semitic understanding of good versus evil, or the Islamic Caliphate, or the Second-Coming of Christ, or any other cryptic prediction in the holy books of Islam, Judaism and Christianity. There’s all kinds of crazy shit in those books that take away from their meaning, and you need to realize that the mother fuckers that wrote them were, like today’s studio heads, trying to captivate the hearts and minds of society’s lowest common denominator (i.e. the Red States). And since that segment of the population were illiterate, goat-humping imbeciles, you have to throw in some epic battle scenes with dragons and shit to capture their attention. Basically, if the cinema – instead of the written word – were available as a medium through which these ideas could have been espoused, the movie “Revelations” would have been directed by Michael Bay. To put another way, if it were a garment, it would be an Ed Hardy tee: bright and accessible, but not necessarily nuanced (nor aesthetically pleasing, for that matter).

Secondly, wars, natural disasters, and cultural divisiveness have always been a part of human life, so to say that today they are signs of the end of the world, whereas yesterday they weren’t, doesn’t make much sense. The reason why today’s events seem so much more dramatic is because technology has amplified the volume. In their time it was some dipshit on a soapbox yelling at the top of his lungs; in our time its Chris Matthews and Glenn Beck on our LCD’s. And we can’t just kick that soapbox out from under these guys and rub their faces in horse manure like we could do to rabble-rousers in the past. We can, however, turn off the television – or at least change the channel to The Office. But since Steve Carell is gone, fuck that shit. A better plan is to simply read a book about history, or watch a Ken Burns documentary, or have a chat with grandma and grandpa to put the media drama into context. This takes some effort, but is more rewarding than Voyeur, which sucks tremendously, save for the titties.

Lastly, the Mayans didn’t predict shit. Their belief system was similar to Jewish Mysticism, the Gnostics, or any pagan tribe that charts human progress by the stars. Basically, next year (or around next year) marks the end of the old era – the last two thousand or so years – and the beginning of the new one. Our good buddy Aleister Crowley called it the New Aeon. Both he and the Mayans predicted that mankind would enter a new age of enlightenment when instead of looking to a patriarch/matriarch (dictator, Pope, Paul McCartney) to guide him, the individual would look within himself. Hence, democratic movements throughout the world, and the subsequent violence as the old order tries to hold onto the past. Technology enables the spread of ideas and people are more conscious of their own independence, so it’s becoming increasingly difficult for the authorities to feed them shit and call it waffles (with the exception of the North Koreans who have never seen a waffle, and if they did would either praise Kim Jong Il for his skills on the griddle, or run away in terror at the circular and delicious breakfast treat that is clearly an American plot to clog the collective North Korean aorta). This sounds more logical than the Antichrist, the Rapture, and Rush Limbaugh, although it would be cool to behold a pale horse from the sky – if we could get a t-shirt on the rider, our sales could go through the roof.

So that brings me to my last point: The importance of Kid Dangerous t-shirts in the New Aeon. If the apex of man’s evolution could be manifested into one company, it would be Kid Dangerous. Why? Because we made a deal with Satan . No, not really. It’s because individual will – that thing that motivates each of us to follow our dreams despite the hardships that we may endure on the way – is more comfortable to realize in a t-shirt whose architects are conscious that they hath created poly-cotton armor for a new breed of idiosyncrat. We make shirts for you to conquer the new world in – drunk, of course. But who knew a tee that said I WANT YOU TO DRINK YO FACE OFF could make a political statement? Well it does. In this world of revolutions and tsunamis, of Christian Audigier and Moammar Gadafi, of Rex Ryan and Meir Dagan, that t-shirt matters. So purchase wisely, and purchase often.

Go Broncos.

One response

  1. I want my free Drink Yo Face Off t-shirt. Let’s just say I was the pitcher to your catcher on that one. And how’s about a limited edition run of Kihara surfing the apocalyptic wave?

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