Author Archive: pandalfthewhite

APOCALYPSE EXPLAINED: Kid Dangerous’ Guide to The Rapture

Surf's up, pal

We here at Kid Dangerous feel the need to clarify a few things about the coming Apocalypse – to put into context the media’s daily bombardment of impending doom – and offer our opinion on the goings-on in the world and what it means for the future of mankind, and more importantly, t-shirts.

First, you shouldn’t compartmentalize the End of Days into a strictly Semitic understanding of good versus evil, or the Islamic Caliphate, or the Second-Coming of Christ, or any other cryptic prediction in the holy books of Islam, Judaism and Christianity. There’s all kinds of crazy shit in those books that take away from their meaning, and you need to realize that the mother fuckers that wrote them were, like today’s studio heads, trying to captivate the hearts and minds of society’s lowest common denominator (i.e. the Red States). And since that segment of the population were illiterate, goat-humping imbeciles, you have to throw in some epic battle scenes with dragons and shit to capture their attention. Basically, if the cinema – instead of the written word – were available as a medium through which these ideas could have been espoused, the movie “Revelations” would have been directed by Michael Bay. To put another way, if it were a garment, it would be an Ed Hardy tee: bright and accessible, but not necessarily nuanced (nor aesthetically pleasing, for that matter).

Secondly, wars, natural disasters, and cultural divisiveness have always been a part of human life, so to say that today they are signs of the end of the world, whereas yesterday they weren’t, doesn’t make much sense. The reason why today’s events seem so much more dramatic is because technology has amplified the volume. In their time it was some dipshit on a soapbox yelling at the top of his lungs; in our time its Chris Matthews and Glenn Beck on our LCD’s. And we can’t just kick that soapbox out from under these guys and rub their faces in horse manure like we could do to rabble-rousers in the past. We can, however, turn off the television – or at least change the channel to The Office. But since Steve Carell is gone, fuck that shit. A better plan is to simply read a book about history, or watch a Ken Burns documentary, or have a chat with grandma and grandpa to put the media drama into context. This takes some effort, but is more rewarding than Voyeur, which sucks tremendously, save for the titties.

Lastly, the Mayans didn’t predict shit. Their belief system was similar to Jewish Mysticism, the Gnostics, or any pagan tribe that charts human progress by the stars. Basically, next year (or around next year) marks the end of the old era – the last two thousand or so years – and the beginning of the new one. Our good buddy Aleister Crowley called it the New Aeon. Both he and the Mayans predicted that mankind would enter a new age of enlightenment when instead of looking to a patriarch/matriarch (dictator, Pope, Paul McCartney) to guide him, the individual would look within himself. Hence, democratic movements throughout the world, and the subsequent violence as the old order tries to hold onto the past. Technology enables the spread of ideas and people are more conscious of their own independence, so it’s becoming increasingly difficult for the authorities to feed them shit and call it waffles (with the exception of the North Koreans who have never seen a waffle, and if they did would either praise Kim Jong Il for his skills on the griddle, or run away in terror at the circular and delicious breakfast treat that is clearly an American plot to clog the collective North Korean aorta). This sounds more logical than the Antichrist, the Rapture, and Rush Limbaugh, although it would be cool to behold a pale horse from the sky – if we could get a t-shirt on the rider, our sales could go through the roof.

So that brings me to my last point: The importance of Kid Dangerous t-shirts in the New Aeon. If the apex of man’s evolution could be manifested into one company, it would be Kid Dangerous. Why? Because we made a deal with Satan . No, not really. It’s because individual will – that thing that motivates each of us to follow our dreams despite the hardships that we may endure on the way – is more comfortable to realize in a t-shirt whose architects are conscious that they hath created poly-cotton armor for a new breed of idiosyncrat. We make shirts for you to conquer the new world in – drunk, of course. But who knew a tee that said I WANT YOU TO DRINK YO FACE OFF could make a political statement? Well it does. In this world of revolutions and tsunamis, of Christian Audigier and Moammar Gadafi, of Rex Ryan and Meir Dagan, that t-shirt matters. So purchase wisely, and purchase often.

Go Broncos.

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Kid D for 944 Magazine

New article in 944. Holla.

Exclusive Interview with Kid D sponsored, MMA Fighter Gray Maynard

Gray "The Bully" Maynard

Kid Dangerous is officially in the MMA game, having recently sponsored renowned fighters Gray Maynard and Jay Hieron.  Gray is currently preparing for one of the most anticipated fights of the year against Kenny Florian in UFC 118, with the winner of the fight putting himself in a prime position for a title fight in the lightweight division.  We’re proud to have Gray on board and are curious to find out what makes the dude tick, and by tick, we mean what makes him kick so much ass.

INTERVIEW BY PETE GIOKAS:

Gray, you’re a longtime badass – state-champ wrestler in high school, All-American in college – now rising through the ranks of UFC’s lightweight division. Has anyone ever been dumb enough to start shit with you outside the ring?

Not since I’ve been fighting. There are a lot of people that will talk shit about fighters on the internet with a fucking fake screen name, but I’ve never had anyone say anything to my face. High school and college were a different story though. I definitely had a handful of “altercations.”

What was the result?

The shitty thing about the times I got into street fights were A) it would always be over or broke up

Beer anyone?

really quick and B) after the actual fight ended, that’s when all the real bullshit started like getting arrested, getting jumped by all the guy’s friends, getting a lawsuit, or paying for the guy’s hospital bills. So I’m really really enjoying getting paid for my fighting nowadays rather than coming out of pocket for court costs and hospital bills.

We love to get hammered here at Kid D. Some of us are partial to Jameson, others to excessive amounts of beer. What’s your poison, Gray?

This is a very serious question that I’ve pondered many times. There’s always an ending point for each of them because of one bad night. The Tequila stage was the longest. I actually liked Tequila, but it ended one morning with me at the police station passed out on a mat, sharing a holding tank with another drunk guy that pissed himself, and an answering machine full of pissed off people waiting for me at my house. The whiskey, rum, and gin stages were all pretty short, but they ended pretty much the same way Tequila did.

Vodka had a little more classy way of ending. My buddy is a club promoter and asked me to do this little appearance for a really good cause. But when I got there it was like a full on fucking runway fashion show in a big night club with rehearsals and shit. So I’m thinking what the fuck did I get myself into and started pounding some mixed vodka drinks. Anyway, after the show I ended up drinking more vodka that night and doing a lot more stupid shit, which isn’t that bad until the next day when your buddies remind you of every little dumb ass detail you did that night. Now I just keep to beer. I don’t care if it’s at the best club in the world!! Bring out a bucket of beers for me, please.

Not to get all gay and fashion-y on you, but what’s up with MMA fighters wearing really shitty clothes? Aside from you, they all look like they got raped by a pack of screen printing lunatics. I mean, I know you can’t straight up tell a professional fighter that he looks like a douchebag, but seriously, they’ve got to know, right?

Wouldn't want to be the that dude.

Depends, I think some guys wear it because they get paid by the company, and some guys just really like it. I’ve seriously seen some shirts that have about 8-10 lbs of ink on them in the form of dragons, skulls, pitbulls, brass knuckles, and historical and religious symbols randomly put across the entire front and back. It looked like a meth head went on a bender for 3 days, locked himself in a room and came out with 1 design. I’m by no means a fashion expert, but they’ve got to realize more isn’t always better.

If you could fight any celebrity, who would it be?

Probably Eminem. It just really seems like he bitches a lot. I mean, what the fuck does he have so much to complain about? I don’t think getting his ass whooped would help him though. I think he’s just miserable.

Historical figure?

I’ll just quote Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown. Altering the past “could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe.” I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I once saw a dude get knocked out in this parking lot, and his arms locked at right-angles as he stiffened straight as a board and cracked his head on the pavement behind him. I seriously thought the mother-fucker was dead. Have you ever hit someone and thought you killed him?

I don’t think so, but I never tried to stick around to admire my work, either, I always got the fuck out there quick!! One of the funniest things I’ve seen was this big guy that thought he was a gangster, his girl, and all his boys were starting shit with this regular looking guy in a parking lot outside of a bar. The chick and all this gangster dudes friends were yelling for him to beat this guy’s ass. So this guy thought he was cool, ran at this little normal guy and then this little dude fucking dropped him with a huge punch. Kinda like what you saw, he hit his head on the pavement and everything. All his people were dead silent, but we didn’t think he was dead cause he got up and could barely walk while mumbling “I got to get out here.” He tries to unlock the closest car that isn’t even his with his own keys. Then his chick goes, “Baby, baby, baby that’s not your not car.” It was like out of a movie – guy tries to act cool in front of his girl and his friends, picks on someone smaller, then gets fucked up with one punch. Classic!!

Most of the Kid D crew grew up together in Denver. I remember we were in middle school, and I had everyone over to watch the very FIRST UFC at Mammoth Sports Arena, which ironically enough, was taking place live in the great city of Denver, Colorado. A local fighter named Patrick Smith crushed this fucking ninjitsu-dude’s face all over the mat, and it was the most savage thing I’d ever seen. Now, this shit is an American past-time, and I believe a true representation of the warrior spirit. Do you ever think about what you do in those terms?

I’m not gonna give you some lame ass generic answer like “I was put on this earth to whoop people’s ass”, but I think everyone has different motivations and purposes for who they are and what they’re meant to do. I think I’m a very active, durable, competitive person, so this job fits me really well and I love it. Some people are meant to be creative, some are meant to be smart, and it goes on and on. Like the saying goes, “It takes all kinds to make up the world.” Your truly a lucky person if your job involves what you were meant to do. I believe if you do what you love, everything will eventually take care of itself because it’s so easy for you to put all your positive energy into it.

Are there UFC groupies? They’ve got to be the craziest bitches in the world…

Yeah, anyone that is at least semi-famous has groupies. There’s the UFC groupies that know everything about you and all the other fighters and really want to ask questions and talk about fighting. Then they tell you how they train at their local gym and ask about techniques and shit. Or tell you that you’re their boyfriend’s favorite fighter. Kinda weird! Then you got the fame groupies. They don’t even know who you are or what you do, but there’s a lot of people around that like you and that’s all they need to know. My friend Forest Griffen says, “They may not even know the music or the band, but they’ll fuck the lead singer any day of week.”

You’re from Arizona. What do you think about this whole immigration thing? Haha, just kidding.

Thank You

What do you want your tombstone to read? Finish this sentence: Here lies THE BULLY…

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth fucking watching.

To learn more about Gray Maynard and to watch videos of him kicking the shit out of people, please check out his official website at: http://www.graymaynard.com

Gray Maynard = Kid Dangerous

First movie I remember seeing in a theater…

…was TOP GUN, which is currently playing on AMC. You know, as homoerotic as that volleyball scene has proven to be over the years, I can’t help but be turned on by the sex scene between Cruise and McGillis. That shit is still fire. I vividly remember seeing their tongues softly coddling in silhouette, the light blue florescence in the BG, cadence oh so choreographed (or not at all), and thinking, “What’s happening to my weaner?”

It was, and still is, called an erection…

I’d like to send a special shout-out to the deadest motha fucka in the cemetery, Mr. Don Simpson, going out like Goose, living life to the fullest ‘cuz that shit can end in a heartbeat – or in the time it takes to gaf a zipper to the face off the backs of a dozen Malaysian hookers, side-by-side, bound and gagged, in an office paid for by Disney stockholders, while Michael Bay was still crappin’ in his hands and rubbin’ it on his face – for making this movie. We miss you, playa.

xoxo

– Gossip Greek

Gay Man Attacked While Wearing Kid D

The City of West Hollywood once again displayed its support for Kid D this week in a ravenous show of affection. It all started when our gay pal Eric entered the Abbey on Santa Monica wearing the Lines Tee. Apparently, this sparked off a shitload of praise and compliments that eventually boiled over into photo ops and numbers exchanged. The way he tells it, Eric was like Liberace incarnate up in this mother fucker. After a few more drinks, the shit got even crazier when some dude pronounced, “It’s the guy with the coke shirt!” and proceeded to bite Eric on the ass, leaving a full-on mouth-shaped welt on his right butt-cheek. Online sales confirmed a spike in Lines T orders by customers with West Hollywood addresses in the ensuing days, proof enough for us that the attack went down, and it was as awesome as Eric said it was. Thanks, Eric! Keep rocking the gear – and watch yo ass, son!

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