Author Archive: regalkillz

You’re welcome, Katy Perry.

Below is a picture taken of me at a She Wants Revenge (what ever happened to THOSE guys??) concert at the El Rey Theater in January of 2006, roughly two days after getting this moustache tattooed on my finger. I remember because at that point I was still being really annoying with it and using it all the time.

Scary to think this was almost FIVE years ago. Fuck I'm old.

Here is another picture from that very same evening – in the left side of the frame is fellow attendee Katy Perry (not yet famous at the time). In the right side of the frame is our fantastically good-looking homosexual friend Handsome Rob.

Cheech was there too. Everyone say “Hi, Cheech!” (He looks angry, no? He hasn’t had any cocktails yet at this point. Either that or he’s just figured out that he’s about to see a band that will be completely irrelevant about 15 minutes after the show)

A picture of Danny talking? You don't say!

And HERE is a picture taken of Katy yesterday in Poland. Disguising herself. You do the math.

This works better than you'd think.

To be fair I myself totally stole the idea from some merch girls at a concert at the Whiskey like a week earlier, but I do not know their names so they cannot be credited here. Sorry, ladies.

Sascha’s back. And he brought Nico Vega.

Sascha is our buddy that makes the wacky iphone animation videos out of celebrity interviews and such, but this time he has chosen to lend his talents to the creation of a music video. And not just for any band, but for Nico Vega, who are fucking awesome and great friends to everyone in the company besides. The results are epic – in the words of Rob Schneider in Big Daddy “they go together like-a lamb and tuna feesh.”

Btw if you like what you heard you can check out more from Nico Vega here. And if you ever have the opportunity to catch them live you most certainly should – they rock so hard that afterward you’ll find people stumbling out of the venue all dazed and covered in debris like 9/11 just happened inside.

R.I.P. Greg Giraldo

Again, I don’t want this to start to feel like a celebrity news blog, but quite frankly I’ve always thought Greg Giraldo was one of the funniest dudes alive, so when I heard yesterday that he’d passed away from a drug overdose I thought I had to at least post something in his memory. Homie could trash talk with the very best of them, consistently among the funniest performers at EVERY Comedy Central Roast – here’s Greg laying waste to basically everyone within earshot at the roast of Larry the Cable Guy. I’d prefer his performance at the roast of Flavor Flav, but Viacom is apparently run by a bunch of heartless cunts who can’t even leave youtube videos up for people to watch when the performer has just DIED. Jesus.

p.s. this clip is uncensored, so if you work somewhere where they frown on phrases like “get out of my country you camel jockey wetback faggy spook jew,” you might want to take a pass.

Calling Jeff Foxworthy “Magnum P.I. with AIDS” might have been the funniest thing anyone has ever said about a dude with a moustache. Let alone the balls it takes to refer to Gary Busey as a “horse-faced lunatic” TO HIS FACE – I’ve met Gary Busey, and that guy is fucking terrifying. I’d be scared to COMPLIMENT him to his face, let alone tell him I want to piss in his mouth. In the tradition of Mitch Hedberg, its really a tragedy that this guy died before having the opportunity to showcase his talents to a larger audience.

My condolences to his family and friends, he’ll be missed.

Don’t shake Moby’s hand.

As forewarned, my second piece of celebrity nonsense for the day: so the other night my girlfriend and I attended the premiere of the HBO series “Bored to Death” – if you haven’t seen it, the show stars Jason Schwartzman as a fictionalized version of Jonathan Ames (real life creator of the show), a struggling writer who begins moonlighting as an unlicensed private detective. It also features the talents of Zach Galifinakis and Ted Danson among others and is funny as shit, so get into it if you haven’t already. But I digress – the real reason I’m posting is not to tell you about the show. The reason I’m posting, if you haven’t already guessed, is Moby’s dick.

Not this one.

You see, they screened two episodes of the show, and in between I really, really had to take a leak. So I snuck out of my seat, scooted out of the auditorium, and headed for the bathrooms. Upon entering, I noticed two urinals, one of which was unoccupied. The other was occupied, as it happens, by Moby.

This guy.

So we’re the only two guys in the bathroom, and we’re peeing, and I remark “So I guess I’m not the only one who had to duck outta there.” And Moby says “Oh hell no, I really had to go.” And we have a little chuckle, and he finishes his business, zips up, and dips out. Without so much as a glance at the sink. Now, I’m certainly guilty of the ol’ whiz-and-go from time to time, but a) its usually when I’m pretty drunk, and b) I’m not a celebrity. If I were, I would probably stop to think that maybe people are watching/judging me just a little more stringently than the average joe, and adjust my behavior, in this case a propensity for leaving a bathroom without washing my hands, accordingly.

“Now wait just a minute,” I can hear you saying, “So the guy doesn’t wash his hands ONE time. This hardly qualifies as a propensity, no?” Well, funny you should ask…

(long dramatic pause)

…because after the screening, I once again found myself in the bathroom. At the same urinal, in fact. And lo and behold, standing at the same urinal next to me, is Moby. He looks up, sees me, and remarks “Hey. Again.” And I say “Yeah, I guess we’re on the same schedule.” And we have another little chuckle, and he finishes up, zips up, and walks out. Without washing his hands. Again.

Twice in a row, in a public forum, having just peed next to the SAME guy? That shit is serial behavior in my book. A straight up habitually cavalier attitude toward personal hygeine. And this dude owns a RESTAURANT. Get it together, Moby. You’re a famous musician at an industry event – glad-handing is gonna be a large part of your evening. Show a little courtesy for fuck’s sake. I mean, I know your penis is probably vegan, free-range and hormone-free and all that, but still. Not even Herman Melville wants to go there. (That’s two! Hey-O!)

Interesting postscript to the story: we’re at the afterparty and I’m chatting with my friend Niv and he says to me “Dude, I met Moby a few minutes ago.” And of course I ask “Did you shake his hand?” And Niv says “Yeah, of course.” So I relay the above tale, and watch him pale as he looks down and realizes…

(another long, dramatic pause)

…he’s eating with his hands.

Good times.

Kim Kardashian is a robot.

So I don’t normally post “celebrity news” or any shit like that, mainly because I don’t really know anything and there’s a million other blogs you could go to dedicated to exactly that, but today I’ve got to do it to you. Twice, in fact. First off, I saw this picture on wwtdd.com today and I had to repost it, albeit for a completely different reason than he did – that reason being that, while he did a great job reporting about Kim Kardashian’s trip to Oktoberfest in Germany, he neglected to mention in the post that KIM KARDASHIAN IS A FUCKING ROBOT.

LOOK at this picture. Really look at it. That is not a human being. It just isn’t. I’ve been looking at human beings for literally my entire life, and I know an impostor when I see one. Yes, she’s hot and everything, but anyone who says its not creepy is either lying or has never seen a shitty science fiction movie on Cinemax. She’s like the exact cliche of a sex robot from the future. Honestly, I bet in the background of this photo you can find a chick with three tits and Arnold Schwarzenegger screaming “Cohagen! The people need air!!”

My second hypothesis is that there’s some new sorcery afoot at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum, but frankly that seemed a little ridiculous.

Have YOU seen this man?

So I’m occasionally known as a purveyor of weird facts, strange stories, and other assorted anecdotes of the bizarre, and today that is what I bring to you – this is something that my roommate and I discovered awhile back but I thought about the other day and thought people might find interesting. And by interesting, I mean totally fucking creepy.

Apparently, roughly four years ago here in New York, a woman visiting her psychiatrist draws a picture of a man that has been “appearing repeatedly in her dreams.” She claims to have never met this man, the man pictured above, in her life. Now, one day the picture is sitting out on the psychiatrist’s desk when ANOTHER patient notices it and remarks that the man pictured, who he also claims to have never met or seen, has been appearing in his dreams.

At this point, the psychiatrist decides to forward the picture to some colleagues of his to see what they make of it. Within a couple of months, four more people recognize the picture as as man who has been appearing in their dreams, each of them independently referring to him as “this man.”

To date since the initial discovery, over TWO THOUSAND people all over the world have recognized “this man” as a recurring presence in their dreams, and to date NOT ONE person has ever claimed to have met or seen him in their waking life. No one knows who he is, what he wants, or what any of this means.

Anybody reading this dreamed of this man? Anybody have any theories? I’ve never seen him, and to be quite honest I’m starting to feel a little left out.

Werner Herzog saved Joaquin Phoenix’s life.

So our buddy Sascha Ciezata makes these awesome animated shorts using the audio from taped interviews (his one about David Lynch meeting George Lucas is absolutely epic but was banned for some stupid shit, I’ll find a way to get it up on here), and this is his latest: a tale of weirdo director Werner Herzog (Grizzly Man, Rescue Dawn, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans) saving the life of weirdo actor Joaquin Phoenix. I have no idea if this story is true, but the interview is most certainly legit, so I guess anyone who says the story is bogus is calling Werner Herzog a liar, which is probably a bad idea since he managed to put Klaus Kinski in check back in the day and that dude was a total psycho. Look it up. Anyway, here’s the short:

I love these things, I’m gonna make it a point to get them all up on here for everyone to enjoy. Outstanding work, Sascha.

Interesting side note: Werner Herzog’s producing partner on Rescue Dawn was Elton Brand. The basketball player. Someone please submit this for Oddest Cinematic Pairing of the Last 50 Years.

Said it before and I’ll say it again…

New York skaters are the coolest in the entire world. Saw this down on the Bowery the other day and then started noticing them springing up everywhere:

I’ve heard the original versions actually had a working hotline number but then they got sick of handling it so they just used a dummy number instead. Either way, pretty funny.

And for the record, there’s a concrete pylon sloping perfectly from waist height down to street level at the corner of Lafayette and Houston. Get on it.

The End of Days is nigh.

So the world is obviously full of war, poverty, famine, and other assorted ill shit, but I’ve never as of yet gotten the feeling that the whole thing was actually going completely tits up, like, irreversibly. That was, until yesterday, when I came across a newspaper article regarding a viral video on the web depicting some psychotic teenage girl literally THROWING PUPPIES INTO A RIVER. Honest to God, if it weren’t something you could watch for yourself, I’d never believe it – here’s the video, but beware, its most assuredly not for the faint of heart.

This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever appear on the internet. What kind of sick, twisted, heartless son of a bitch do you have to be to do some shit like this? More counfounding: who the hell doesn’t like PUPPIES?? For christ’s sake, puppies are like the cliche everyone uses when describing something that nobody doesn’t like. Seriously, its like taking a shit on a rainbow or raping a dolphin or something – it just doesn’t compute. Its so outlandishly evil, I feel like even Hannibal Lecter would be like “eh, that’s a little much.”

Now this event, while heinous, would not by itself in my opinion herald impending armageddon – however, it comes on the heels of a woman in London caught on tape not two weeks ago petting a cat & then proceeding to put it in the fucking trash. I swear, I am not making this up.

Now I’ve never been any champion of the feline species, but seriously what the hell is going on?? I mean, people killing people, that I get. Usually there’s some sort of justification – domestic quarrel, religious jihad, money, whatever. These things are shitty but they make sense. But when people start chucking out defenseless animals for their own amusement left and right, I feel like maybe its time to start checking my palms to make sure there’s not big bloody holes in them.

What the hell do I know? Funny you should ask…

So even though summer is basically over here in New York and everyone’s already donning their tweed jackets and cashmere scarves, I’ve been told that out on the west coast, things are still in full swing and there’s plenty more warm weather to be had. On that note, I’ve been tapped to chime in with a few summer fashion tips that should help you close out (or simply continue) Summer 2010 in true sartorial grandeur. As always you are in no way required to listen to me, but you really should. I get tons of chicks.

Tip #1: Get rid of your flip flops– A man’s foot is an ugly abomination and should not be foisted upon the general public except in the most extreme of cases.

More accurate than you might think

Seriously, I don’t want to look at your hairy hobbit’s hooves, and I know you don’t want to look at mine, so let’s just agree to clad them appropriately when out on the town. If you’re going to the beach you get a pass, but otherwise go buy some stylish loafers or boat shoes. You’ve got options.

Loafer by Billy Reid

Boat shoes by Vane for Sebago

Tip #2: Put on a swimsuit that fits – Now I’m not saying that everyone has to rock a speedo, or even the tiny trunks that I’ve been known to sport at Coachella, but the phenomenon of ridiculous printed boardshorts that extend halfway between your knees and your feet is one that goes hand in hand with the flip flops and needs to be done away with as well. It honestly amazes me that guys who are otherwise quite stylish will be getting ready to go to the pool & suddenly have some sort of aneurysm whereby they think putting on a pair of floor-length jams with a big glittery tiger on them is acceptable.

Don't be this asshole

Its time for something shorter, slimmer, and all-around more macho. Check out soccer star & recent World Cup failure Cristiano Ronaldo.

Being a soccer star looks hard

Granted, he is European & sorta looks like he was carved out of marble, but still, its hard to argue with the fact that he looks pretty damn cool. At the very least let’s promise ourselves to find some trunks that hit just above the knee or higher (how high is up to you, sailor). Like these, recently pictured in GQ:

Baby to frolic with not included

Seriously, I’m sick of seeing spiky haired douches dressed like little kids going clam digging. Abandon the ranks of these mongoloids & join me & Cristiano.

Tip #3: Blazer & Shorts – Fear not, my pedigreed chums, the Blazer & Shorts combo is not reserved exclusively for the likes of Angus Young.

He does rock though

In fact, its one of the best & easiest-to-carry-off looks of the summer, provided you do it right. Start off with a shorter, narrower jacket to balance the proportions of your ensemble – using one of your regular suit jackets is just
gonna make it look like you forgot to put on pants when you got dressed in the morning. Also try to make sure its lightweight (unlined is ideal) – after all, that’s sort of the point of the thing. Pairing a wool blazer with a pair of
shorts makes about as much sense as a snow hat & a bikini.

I stand corrected

At any rate, unlined cotton is tops, as it will not only keep you cool & comfortable on the patio circuit, but also help to keep your jacket from wrinkling too terribly when you stuff it in your duffel bag for a quick weekend in Vegas (or when you have to dig an impromptu grave ON that quick weekend in Vegas). Aside from these guidelines, you’ve got a lot of room to get creative – your jacket can be a pattern or a solid, paired with anything from an oxford to a t-shirt. Your options are boundless. Hell, you can even go waterskiing in it.

Actually looks pretty fun

Tip #4: Cool patterns – Whether its your shirt, pants, or even your belt, summer is just a good excuse to rock some crazy ass patterns. Lobsters, sailboats, skull & crossbones, whatever. It all works in my book. I mean, how often do you get to use the phrase “Yeah my pants have whales on them, what of it?”

Football shorts by Vineyard Vines

Skull & crossbones belt by J. Press

Whale pants by some awesome dude on the internet

Just do yourself a favor & keep it to one wacky piece per outfit, unless of course you have brass balls the size of the gentleman pictured above.

Tip #5: The perfect polo – So simple, yet so often bungled. A flattering polo is trim, hits right around the beltline, and has sleeves that show off a little arm – think Vintage PGA vs. Current PGA.

Arnold Palmer: DO

Phil Mickelson: DON'T

Several designers make these, including fairly inexpensive versions by brands like Bonobos, but for my money nothing beats the original Ralph Lauren, who now offers a “custom fit” version that’s tailored in the manner described above. Plus, that tiny mallet-swinging horseman is the mark of a true American. Like cowboy hats, or obesity.

Lighter colors will make you look tanner, for the record.

Pop your collar at your own risk – this bronze prepster is pulling it off, but I had a few ill-advised ventures into the phenomenon a couple years back & I’m still living it down. As a general rule, the taller the collar, the more wary you should be of sending it vertical.

Tip #6: Have a michelada – Tasty, spicy & refreshing as hell on a hot day. You’ve earned it.

-1 beer (Dos Equis works great)
-Solid squeeze of lemon juice
-2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
-Splash of Tabasco
-Salt (esp. the glass rim)

Pour over ice and bottoms up.

Cheers

And that’s that, folks – hopefully I’ve given you a few tools to make what’s left of this summer bump like Manute Bol’s head in a doorway. Let’s keep it memorable.

Keep calm & carry on,

-DA

%d bloggers like this: