Category Archives: Comedy

Straight pimpin’

What’s on Kid D’s telly??

So, most nights I’m up ‘til around 4AM at Kid D Headquarters cooking the Kid D books so the IRS doesn’t lock us all up.  That consists of my laptop, stacks of paper, Tanqueray & sodas & of course hours full of Tivo playing in the background.  Now, as the head of programming for the Tivo, I take full responsibility for the amount of nonsense & horseshit shows on the Kid D Tivo. And believe me, I am fully aware of how bad 50% of these shows are. In fact, if someone saw our Tivo line-up, they’d probably say, “damn, these chicks watch a lot of shitty TV”, when, embarrassingly, its just 3 straight guys living at KDHQ (like I said, I take 90% responsibility for the Tivo). But I don’t watch TV just to watch TV, that’s missing half the awesomeness of TV in itself.  I watch questionable shows so that I can “hate-watch” them. You know, “hate-watch”, where you are so disgusted that you’re watching a show that you literally can’t stop watching it. Those shows where you say out loud the whole time, “God, I hate these assholes!!” or “Somebody really needs to slap this loud mouth skank!!”  Half the fun of watching TV is to talk shit to your screen, even when you are alone.  So here are some of the many shows on the tivo along with a few of my comments. TV , good & bad, is my vice. ..one of my many many vices.                                                                                                                                                                     *(After writing this, I realized how much more TV I watch, so this is gonna only be part 1 of this series)

Jersey Shore – I know these people are totally charactures of themselves, but they all know what they’re doing & if you watch it knowing that, its actually really entertaining. Yes, last season was a step-back with too much attention on Sammie & Ronnie, but since when is it not entertaining to watch a ‘roid head go ape shit & destroy his girl’s closet (something every man has thought about doing at least once in his life). The Situation is a complete douche & ruins the show, but what can you do. I’m excited to see them bring the show back to standards next season in Italy. And if you look closely, you’ll maybe see Vinnie rocking some Kid D shirts on the new season starting August 4.

Subterranean– Remember when MTV played music?? I think this is the only show still left that plays music. And they play really good indie music for 1 hr. I’ll take what I can get. All you gotta do is stay up til 2am on Tuesdays. Simple. That’s what they make tivo for.

Top Chef – They could have this show go on ‘til I’m 85yrs old & I would watch it. I even watched Top Chef: Desserts and I have no idea what chocolate ganache & fondant is. I don’t even eat dessert. I haven’t had dessert since I had two scoops from Baskin Robbins served in a mini baseball helmet in 1986, but I still watch this stuff. I’m even embarrassed to say I watch every Bravo competition show, i.e. Platinum Hit, Top Artist, Best Mustache, American Next Midget Juggler. I’m ashamed.

The Killing – AMC has been killing recently & the hot streak continued with this show. I missed the boat on Mad Men & I figured its too far along to catch up. Its not really my thing. I get it, they smoke & drink at the office & grab their secretaries asses. Sounds like a typical day at the Kid D offices. Hey-oooooo. I’ve got a couple episodes left of the Killing & I heard it ends bad, but I’m gonna stick it out.

Bachelor/Bachelorette – Another shitshow that I’ve embarrassingly seen every season of. They do a great job selling it though. Although, I think the stay together rate of the “winning couple” is about .0465% two weeks after the show ends. And I’m totally buying this season that 25 dudes my age are super stoked to compete for a girl with no self esteem, emotional issues & a forehead that you can watch a drive in movie on. And I know a lot of guys my age that use phrases like “she looked so stunning”, “the date was magical” & “I was so captivated by her.” Please shoot me in the face.

Survivor – Yes, I know it’s only me & 17million senior citizens that still watch this show, but its still fascinating to me. The show, while the same in concept, is different every time. And this last season, the winner played the best I’ve ever seen in the 22 seasons of the show. And yes, I’ve seen them all. FML

Big Brother – Every summer I tell myself that I’m not gonna watch this shit show & as always, I watch the first episode & get hooked for the whole summer. What makes this crap more soul-crushing than the average show, is that instead of just wasting 1hr a week of my life watching idiots babble, this one is on 3 days a week.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge – If you like watching ‘roided out clowns & attention grabbing girls with emotional problems in physical challenges beating each other up , then this is your show.

The First 48/Forensics Files – I think I’ve seen every episode of both of these shows. They’re amazing & honestly at this point, I’m convinced that I could probably get away with murdering someone because they’re basically a “what-not-to-do” guide for killing. If that’s your thing.

Housewives Of New Jersey – Except for Teresa, the annoying chick with the 2 inch forehead hawking a shitty Italian cookbook, this show is great. I refuse to watch any of the other Housewives shows, but I get down with Jersey. For some reason they don’t seem as fake as the others, although I’m sure they are. And I wish that Caroline was my aunt cuz she’s the most normal person that exists on these shows. On another note, I don’t get how any of these women on any of these Housewive’s shows have husbands. I seriously would have taken a leap off a building a long time ago if I was forced to deal with these women. You gotta see the forehead though.

16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom – If this show doesn’t scare every teenager into wearing a condom, nothing will. I’m a big fan of these shows & it does not promote teen pregnancy. If anything, it should scare the shit outta kids having sex. And if nothing else, it continues to show that the South will continue to make the rest of us look bad.

The Real L Word – I need my head examined cuz I actually care for the characters on this reality show. It’s like The Hills with cool lesbians. And awesome sex scenes. Case closed

Make Music Pasadena Festival Video Blog

After a short hiatus, it was time to dust off the flip video to chronicle some more drunk antics. This time, we took to the streets of Pasadena for a fun little music festival. Morning Benders, Best Coast, Ra Ra Riot and lots of vodka = a damn fun Saturday.

I’m boarding a plane to fly to Italy to hang out with the Jersey Shore

No, the title of this blog entry is not a typo. The last 72 hours have been a whirlwind and after a few phone calls and some internet flight searches, I’m at LAX waiting to board my connecting flight to Philly then on to Florence. To give you a little background, one of our good friends is a producer on the Jersey Shore. Right after he filmed the first season, he came over to our house and told us all these crazy stories of this new show that he filmed. At the time they were deciding between calling it Jersey Shore and Guido Beach, hahaha. He thought it was gonna be hilarious but he had no idea how big the show would actually become. Well, they’re out in Florence right now filming for a couple of more weeks and he extended the invitation to come hang out.

The icing on the cake is that Vinny, through the help of his stylist, got a bunch of Kid D gear before he left for the trip and apparently he’s been rocking the shit on the regular and that Kid D is going to be all over the new season. So epic!

Vinny rockin the Live Fast Die Young tee, will be available again online in two weeks

 

On top of that, apparently the other people in the house are now big Kid D fans and want gear as well. When I found out about this, I talked it over with the team and we were left with only one conclusion: I’m going to Florence to rage with the cast of the Jersey Shore and gear them the fuck up! I have no idea what to expect. I land in Florence tomorrow morning and I’ve got to find a way to my friend’s apartment. He’s not even going to be there because they’re filming off site somewhere until Thursday. All I know, is I got a flip camera, my cell phone, some loot in my pocket and an itch in the back of my throat that can only be scratched by one thing: that booze.

I will be blogging, tweeting and filming my journey. Your guess is as good as mine as to what’s going to happen over the next week. Something tells me I’m in for a wild ride!

You’re embarassing me dad!!!

You know that embarssing feeling of getting rejected while attempting a high-five? Well this 40yr old in the american idol audience sure does. Double embarassing guy!!

Premonition??

Not sure which one of us its gonna be, maybe all of us, but you can bet that Kid D will be doing our best impression of this guy come Friday

Coachella Survival Guide

Coachella is less than 48 hours away and for all you working stiffs (myself included) that are lucky enough to be going, it’s damn near impossible to focus on anything else. How can I worry about the shirts that I need to make when I’m too busy worrying about how I’m going to manage all the conflicts in the lineup schedule? How can I really follow up on campus rep emails when I’m thinking about what flip technique I’m going to use when jumping into the pool for the first time?

Oh, Coachella. It’s that time of year again. Truly one of the funnest, drunkest and most memorable weekends of the year. Every year I try and do it better than the previous one to usually mixed results. Heading into my sixth Coachella rodeo, I’ve put together a Kid Dangerous Survival Guide consisting of 10 Do’s and 10 Don’ts at Coachella.

1. DO- Come prepared for the trip. Key items to bring include: sun screen, gum, bathing suit, towel (if you’re staying at a condo), tylenol, advil or your hangover medicine of your choice, cash, ID, cell phone charger, camera, flask (preferably plastic), ATM card, cigarettes or any other preferred drug of choice.

2. DON’T- Be the guy that doesn’t bring any of this stuff and is jonesing off your friends the whole weekend. Cash is king at coachella. Make sure you have enough to get through the day. The ol’ “All I got is a credit card” routine doesn’t fly by day two.

3. DO- Get your pregame fade on. Depending on how committed you are to seeing the earlier bands, chances are, you are probably rolling into the show between 4-6 PM. Drinks are expensive, the only beer they serve is fucking Heineken and the lines for booze are typically a kick in the balls.  Take advantage of the great time by the pool to have a few beverages and drink a couple beers on the always long walk into the show. To lower your costs and increase your awesomeness, bring in a flask to split with a couple friends. Play rock paper scissors to see who the lucky one is who has to stash the flask in their crotch when they walk in.

4. DON’T- Get too drunk before you get to Coachella. Or at Coachella while we’re at it. Everyone knows

See the guy on the floatie? It could be you if you're not careful.

partying with all your friends by the pool is amazing. What you might not be realizing though, is that it’s only 1 PM, you normally don’t drink for 12 hours in one day and it’s probably 90 degrees out. Have some drinks before the show but avoid taking too many shots or pouring too many uber stiff cocktails. They’ll be the death of you. Nothing worse than being so drunk at Coachella that you’re a total liability, don’t really remember much of the night because you’re too busy stumbling around or you end up back at the condo later that night with no wallet or cell phone (speaking from experience).

5. DO- Bring your cell phone. A fully charged one at that. You’re going to need it to stay in communication with your friends, twit pic a picture of the side of Paul Banks’ head to make your friends jealous and save the numbers of any cute guys or girls that you meet.

Take a vacation from Facebook and Twitter

6. DON’T- Drive two hundred miles to Coachella, spend $1,000 all-in to be there and spend all day dicking around on your phone. Facebook will be there, twitter as well and as fun as angry birds is, put the phone away and enjoy nature, alcohol and the amazing music you’ve been waiting all year to hear.

7. DO- Plan accordingly. From the moment you park your car to the moment you arrive at the stage of the band you wanna see, you’re really talking about 45-60 minutes. I’ve missed one too many bands thinking I can leave my condo 20 minutes before a show starts. Parking is a bitch and there’s gonna be a fat line of cars waiting to get in. If seeing a band is a priority, plan ahead.

8. DON’T- forget the right wardrobe. This is s two-tiered point. The first is weather. It’s going to be sunny so bring sunglasses and it’s going to be hot as hell during the day. BUT! It gets surprisingly chilly at night. Ladies, this point is especially for you because I know you have a tendency to get cold. Showing up in a bikini top and booty shorts is great not only for you but for all the guys ogling you all day but at night, it’s gonna get real cold and it won’t be nearly as cool when you have to buy an XL Duran Duran shirt to cover up and stay warm.

Second, and this is for my fashionably challenged single guys out there, put together a respectable outfit. There are more cute single girls at Coachella than in the entire state of Montana and if you want to improve your chances of making a good impression, leave the baggy cargo shorts and flip flops at home. Instead, try more form fitting shorts with some cool sneakers or loafers. They’re equally as comfortable and a lot more attractive. No one is trying to look at your grimy ass feet after three days of walking around in dirt.

9. DO- The little things. It’s an overwhelming experience to go to Coachella but a little planning on how to attack the day goes a long way. Stay hydrated, eat at least two meals a day, designate a meeting point if people get lost, have a plan for when you’re leaving, try and roll around in pairs. Once the sun goes down at Coachella it gets real dark real fast. If your cell phone is dead and you’re stumbling around drunk with no idea how to meet up with everyone, you’re in deep shit. A couple of small tricks about leaving Coachella:

a. Save a picture in your phone, write yourself a message, do something to remember where the car is. Ten hours and 12 beers later isn’t going to make it any easier to find.

b. Check around your car before you leave. No bigger buzz kill than to drive over your shithead buddy’s coors light bottle he happened to stash under your tire on your way in because he saw a security guard driving by.

c. If you aren’t hell bent on seeing the last few minutes of the final headliner, contemplate leaving early. There are horror stories of people getting stuck in the parking lot trying to leave for two hours. It totally sucks. Leave before the encore and you’ll have had four beers, made late night quesadillas and be asleep for half an hour before your other friends get back to the condo.

10. DON’T- Try too hard. I know, I know, I just gave style tips above but just keep in mind that you’re there to have fun. Not to be the coolest dude there, or rudely bird dog at every chick that walks by or to bump some fifteen year kid because you can or to cut in front of a bunch of people at the bathroom or beer line. Remember, everyone there has had to take off work, save up their money and have had their calendars circled just as long as you so they deserve to have an amazing time as well. Think of it as a modern day Woodstock, except for everything is ridiculously priced, corporate sponsors dictate what you eat, drink and feel and there are more orange county high school kids there than people that really care about the music.

Anyways….Hope you enjoyed the tips. We’ll be documenting our weekend with our handy dandy flip video so check back next week for that and we’re also going to be giving away stuff at the show to twitter fans representing the Kid Dangerous nation.

Peace…and I’m out.

Cheech’s awesome thing of the day:

This is just effin amazing. I normally am on Craigslist trolling for dirty $25 hookers, but today I decided to see how much dirty ticket scalpers are hocking Coachella tickets for this year & I came across this winner & his cat Chet. I think everyone needs to get online, find a pic of a sorority girl & email this guy so we can see his responses. On the off chance that you do that, please please post his response here. Here’s the link so we all can respond to this winner: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tix/2291688696.html

COACHELLA Ticket! In exchange for companion 🙂 – $1 (West Los Angeles)

——————————————————————————–
Date: 2011-03-28, 12:18PM PDT
Reply to: sale-ckjhj-2291688696@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

——————————————————————————–

I have a 3 day pass to Coachella valued at over $500 dollars. I am willing to give this to a very special girl who is willing to be my “companion” throughout the weekend. I am a completely normal guy who likes to party and is just looking to spend time at a great music festival with the “right” girl. Below is my criteria for the “right” girl. If you fit this profile, have great style, good energy, good grammar, pass a background check, have good hygiene, and like to party…..THEN GET READY FOR THE BEST WEEKEND EVER!

1. Must be between ages of 18 and 22.
2. Must have some affiliation with a sorority.
3. Must tan regularly, or at least have a natural “bronze”.
4. Must be a good travel buddy.
5. Must love “3 doors down” (my fav band).
6. Must love animals (I’m bringing my cat “Chet”)
7. No drugs, no smoking.
8. Must attend every event with me and be dressed in proper attire (bikini and sandals at pool parties; skirt and tube top to night parties.)
9. Must contribute to gas and travel food (beef jerkey, pretzels, etc.)
10. Cuddling at night recommended but not mandatory.
11. Must refer to yourself in 3rd person at all times. (e.g. “Stacy wants to eat”, “Stacy needs sunblock rubbed on her”)

This is a simple but mandatory list of criteria. A small price to pay for a totally awesome weekend with a super chill guy. In addition to three days admission into the festival, the chosen girl will also accompany me to various hot pool parties and evening parties. I also have reservations at Hamburger Mary’s on Saturday for Dinner and dancing as a bonus!

I have a deluxe room at the pet-friendly Caliente Tropics Hotel which according to Hotels.com…”Built in 1964, this tiki-style tropical hotel often hosted celebrities like Elvis and the Rat Pack, and has been recently renovated”, so you know this place rocks!

I am 47/m and will be attending this event for the first time but am totally ready to rock out! I’ve attached a pic!

•Location: West Los Angeles
•it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2291688696

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