So, most nights I’m up ‘til around 4AM at Kid D Headquarters cooking the Kid D books so the IRS doesn’t lock us all up.  That consists of my laptop, stacks of paper, Tanqueray & sodas & of course hours full of Tivo playing in the background.  Now, as the head of programming for the Tivo, I take full responsibility for the amount of nonsense & horseshit shows on the Kid D Tivo. And believe me, I am fully aware of how bad 50% of these shows are. In fact, if someone saw our Tivo line-up, they’d probably say, “damn, these chicks watch a lot of shitty TV”, when, embarrassingly, its just 3 straight guys living at KDHQ (like I said, I take 90% responsibility for the Tivo). But I don’t watch TV just to watch TV, that’s missing half the awesomeness of TV in itself.  I watch questionable shows so that I can “hate-watch” them. You know, “hate-watch”, where you are so disgusted that you’re watching a show that you literally can’t stop watching it. Those shows where you say out loud the whole time, “God, I hate these assholes!!” or “Somebody really needs to slap this loud mouth skank!!”  Half the fun of watching TV is to talk shit to your screen, even when you are alone.  So here are some of the many shows on the tivo along with a few of my comments. TV , good & bad, is my vice. ..one of my many many vices.                                                                                                                                                                     *(After writing this, I realized how much more TV I watch, so this is gonna only be part 1 of this series)

Jersey Shore – I know these people are totally charactures of themselves, but they all know what they’re doing & if you watch it knowing that, its actually really entertaining. Yes, last season was a step-back with too much attention on Sammie & Ronnie, but since when is it not entertaining to watch a ‘roid head go ape shit & destroy his girl’s closet (something every man has thought about doing at least once in his life). The Situation is a complete douche & ruins the show, but what can you do. I’m excited to see them bring the show back to standards next season in Italy. And if you look closely, you’ll maybe see Vinnie rocking some Kid D shirts on the new season starting August 4.

Subterranean– Remember when MTV played music?? I think this is the only show still left that plays music. And they play really good indie music for 1 hr. I’ll take what I can get. All you gotta do is stay up til 2am on Tuesdays. Simple. That’s what they make tivo for.

Top Chef – They could have this show go on ‘til I’m 85yrs old & I would watch it. I even watched Top Chef: Desserts and I have no idea what chocolate ganache & fondant is. I don’t even eat dessert. I haven’t had dessert since I had two scoops from Baskin Robbins served in a mini baseball helmet in 1986, but I still watch this stuff. I’m even embarrassed to say I watch every Bravo competition show, i.e. Platinum Hit, Top Artist, Best Mustache, American Next Midget Juggler. I’m ashamed.

The Killing – AMC has been killing recently & the hot streak continued with this show. I missed the boat on Mad Men & I figured its too far along to catch up. Its not really my thing. I get it, they smoke & drink at the office & grab their secretaries asses. Sounds like a typical day at the Kid D offices. Hey-oooooo. I’ve got a couple episodes left of the Killing & I heard it ends bad, but I’m gonna stick it out.

Bachelor/Bachelorette – Another shitshow that I’ve embarrassingly seen every season of. They do a great job selling it though. Although, I think the stay together rate of the “winning couple” is about .0465% two weeks after the show ends. And I’m totally buying this season that 25 dudes my age are super stoked to compete for a girl with no self esteem, emotional issues & a forehead that you can watch a drive in movie on. And I know a lot of guys my age that use phrases like “she looked so stunning”, “the date was magical” & “I was so captivated by her.” Please shoot me in the face.

Survivor – Yes, I know it’s only me & 17million senior citizens that still watch this show, but its still fascinating to me. The show, while the same in concept, is different every time. And this last season, the winner played the best I’ve ever seen in the 22 seasons of the show. And yes, I’ve seen them all. FML

Big Brother – Every summer I tell myself that I’m not gonna watch this shit show & as always, I watch the first episode & get hooked for the whole summer. What makes this crap more soul-crushing than the average show, is that instead of just wasting 1hr a week of my life watching idiots babble, this one is on 3 days a week.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge – If you like watching ‘roided out clowns & attention grabbing girls with emotional problems in physical challenges beating each other up , then this is your show.

The First 48/Forensics Files – I think I’ve seen every episode of both of these shows. They’re amazing & honestly at this point, I’m convinced that I could probably get away with murdering someone because they’re basically a “what-not-to-do” guide for killing. If that’s your thing.

Housewives Of New Jersey – Except for Teresa, the annoying chick with the 2 inch forehead hawking a shitty Italian cookbook, this show is great. I refuse to watch any of the other Housewives shows, but I get down with Jersey. For some reason they don’t seem as fake as the others, although I’m sure they are. And I wish that Caroline was my aunt cuz she’s the most normal person that exists on these shows. On another note, I don’t get how any of these women on any of these Housewive’s shows have husbands. I seriously would have taken a leap off a building a long time ago if I was forced to deal with these women. You gotta see the forehead though.

16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom – If this show doesn’t scare every teenager into wearing a condom, nothing will. I’m a big fan of these shows & it does not promote teen pregnancy. If anything, it should scare the shit outta kids having sex. And if nothing else, it continues to show that the South will continue to make the rest of us look bad.

The Real L Word – I need my head examined cuz I actually care for the characters on this reality show. It’s like The Hills with cool lesbians. And awesome sex scenes. Case closed